


smplive fic anthology

by not_so_cool_guy



Category: Video Blogging RPF
Genre: Chaos, Character Death, Crack Treated Seriously, Minecraft, One-Sided Attraction, SMPLive - Freeform
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-11-02
Updated: 2020-11-02
Packaged: 2021-03-09 09:07:13
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, Major Character Death
Chapters: 4
Words: 6,948
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27348628
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/not_so_cool_guy/pseuds/not_so_cool_guy
Summary: i miss having my smplive fics up on here so i have decided to re-upload them. please don't harass me they are crack fics for a reason.(i deleted them on december 14th, 2019.)edit: do i delete them again cause like fuck carson all my homies hate carson uh-
Comments: 3
Kudos: 6





	1. fighting over stupid things in minecraft

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> look up 'saga of jschlatt and antvenom on youtube and this is basically it in text form but with pining jschlatt

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ORIGINAL DATE: MAY 13TH, 2019
> 
> (this was the first smplive fic on ao3. and it held highest number of reads until the nsfw+shipping fics invaded. i consider this my magnum opus. also michael read it on stream to schlatt and hank and man i wish i had a computer at the time so i could've clipped it man.  
> stats: 2169 hits. 92 kudos. 15 comments. 3 bookmarks.  
> this is also the only one with stats and shit cause i didn't screenshot the others lol)

“I want to play with AntVenom in this server. There’s nothing more that I want in life, than to have my childhood guru play Minecraft with me. That would be a highlight, not gonna lie.” Jschlatt smiled to himself. His fans went to Carson’s stream and then bam!

Jschlatt’s face soon lit up, “ANTVENOM IS HERE, ANTVENOM IS HERE! OH MY GOD! WHERE IS HE?” He took off inside the virtual sandbox to the spawn point, overly excited to meet his childhood hero. Although, for some reason, he might’ve also wanted to kill him, but just a little though. Luckily for Jschlatt, AntVenom was right beside him. 

**jschlatt: ehy dude**  
**jschlatt: wanna play minecraft**  
**AntVenom: no**

Then he logged off in defeat.

Just kidding. The stream was far from over, we were only just getting started.

Jschlatt’s mic was perhaps the worst mic you’ve ever heard. He screamed into it while he chased AntVenom, punching him with a torch until he ran away, out of Schlatt’s reach. Later, Ant donated heavy breathing anime girl ear licking asmr, just to piss him off. That was epic. 

“LET ME STREAM IN PEACE!” He cried, sniffling a little. This man’s emotions were off the charts, any wrong moves and he could blow his own lid. He confused himself, honestly.

“Where is he, where is he, where is AntVenom. I need everyone here, I need a search party to find this fucker. I’m gonna kill him,” Schlatt continued, angrily. He want straight from happy to see Ant to ready to kill him. Schlatt opened up his stream and watched him play normal Minecraft, plotting his murder.

“I’m playing the game for real now- he called me stupid?! Get me in a call with AntVenom this moment! The audacity of this guy…” He grumbled, taking a sip of his G-Fuel off camera.

“He is honestly the worst Minecraft player I’ve ever seen, the worst!” Now Schlatt was just saying things, things that were false, lies even, “I don’t think it gets any worse than wh- than that.” He sunk down in his seat. He loved AntVenom, but calling him stupid was the last fucking straw, maybe. He didn’t want to admit it, but looking at Ant’s facecam while he streamed… _why my dick go up??_ he thought to himself.

Jschlatt is a completely heterosexual man with no intentions to love any man, especially a popular YouTuber such as AntVenom, maybe. Or maybe not, I mean, who would try to kill someone they loved, unless they were some weird tsundere power bottom headass. No hate no shade but that might be Mr. Schlatt’s exact description.

That’s when AntVenom attacked.

“Fuck he’s so good at the game! Why’s he so good at the game? Why can’t I hit him!? What the fuck?!” He yelled, whacking Ant with his iron sword, dealing no damage.

**AntVenom: i respec your home**  
**AntVenom: just makin sure you know**  
**AntVenom: you cant push me around anymore**

“He’s got the shield, I have no idea how to make the shield, he’s the better man,” Schlatt said, accepting his defeat.

**jschlatt: how do u make a shie.dl**  
**AntVenom: Google.com**

“Fuck you! Fuck this guy, I hate AntVenom.” He was so in love right now _goddamnit_. He went from wanting to kill his childhood hero, to wanting to beat him in spleef, to not wanting to kill him because he “couldn’t bring himself to”. Later, he went on a nostalgia trip, screaming when he messed up while monologuing. He also swore he saw AntVenom. Fuck him, am I right guys?

Okay so he definitely saw AntVenom. While monologuing, Ant brought in a little fucker (baby zombie) with him. Now he’s just chilling in his base- wait no he just left- nope he’s just behind Schlatt again.

So he finished monologuing, like the now crazy man he is.

Schlatt yelled into his mic, jumping off a mountain, running from skeletons and hopping into a pond, fucking sobbing, the Minecraft music blaring before fading out, right after Schlatt drowned himself. Twas a very intense moment.

After respawning, he’s gone even crazier, hunting down AntVenom, chasing him while naked, punching him into the same pond he drowned himself in. Ant escaped the pond, soon killing him with fire.

He left the stream again.

“Ok Google, why is AntVenom so good at Minecraft.”

He rejoined the stream, again. He opened up Word.exe, ready to write a shitty diss track on top of a basic ass beat filled with at least five lines that are all like “I hate his stupid pretty face and I hate his stupid pretty eyes.” No, no, that was dumb. You don’t call someone you hate ‘ _pretty_ ’. That’s just not correct.

“I’m not even mad anymore,” Schlatt said, after a pause, “I just want lessons from the guy, man, I just want lessons.” Yeah… lessons… He saw Ant waiting for him by his stuff, which was all neatly sorted within a chest beside him. Schlatt smiled internally, damnit this man was good. Meanwhile, Ant crouched behind some dirt blocks, eyeing Schlatt curiously. I mean, why wouldn’t you be curious about Schlatt? He’s a very interesting man.

Schlatt’s heart was filled with love for this 20-something year old man, whether he liked it or not. He loved that guy, he freaking loved that guy so much, he’s just such a good guy. He couldn’t believe the kindness that man held for him, well, for people in general.

Until he joined the voice chat. AntVenom was filled with fear.

“I’ve been waiting to say this for so long.” Schlatt paused, afraid. He felt blood rushing to his cheeks, like this was some sort of love confession or something. Ant was concerned. Jschlatt is what is known as a wild card. You do not want to mess with the wild card. That is something he learned firsthand.

“I want to kill the Ender Dragon with you.”

“Oh… are you sure?” That wasn’t what he was expecting. The other people in the voice chat burst out laughing.

“Yea, I wanted this my whole life.”

AntVenom looked up at his facecam, raising a brow.

“Will you please… go out with me… to the End, and we can kill the Ender Dragon together?” Schlatt ducked away from his mic, making sure it wouldn’t pick up the excited noises he was making.

“Sure.”

Schlatt grabbed his mic by the handle, holding it right up against his mouth, “YEEEESSSS YYYEESSSSSS YESSSSSSSSS FUCK YEAH OH MY FUCKING GOD- I’ll calm down I’ll calm down I’m good I’m cool.” He couldn’t contain his excitement. His legs were bouncing, his fingers were tapping his forearms and he had the largest grin on his stupid pretty face. 

_AntVenom said yes._

Well, he technically said sure, but that’s the same thing in this case.

“We’re gonna kill the Ender Dragon tonight!” Schlatt exclaimed.

“Right now?” Joko butted in.

“Yes right now.” Ant replied. Schlatt was nearly bouncing off the walls. He was going to the End with _the_ AntVenom! 

“So where’s the portal.”

Uh oh.

“We don’t have one.”

“It’s not that simple!”

“You’re AntVenom! Yes it is!” 

While Ant explained why it was going to take a while to get to the End without an already discovered portal, Jschlatt had enough already, somehow. Stupid fucking basic Minecraft with its stupid fucking mechanics was keeping him from going out with his childhood hero to kill the goddamn dragon!

“Fuck this, I’m going back to my base.” Schlatt needed a new plan.

“Man’s bipolar,” someone whispered, “Schlatt’s fucking crazy!” 

“Shut up!” He replied, turning to face their general direction.

As he was climbing up to his base, Joko fucking spoke again, little shit. “Someone in my chat told me to tell you that stal is the best record.”

“It is, actually,” Ant replied confidently.

Schlatt’s shoulders drooped, “I don’t actually want to do the end dragon with him anymore.” He slurped his G-Fuel, all sad and shit. 

He then went back to mining, fully frustrated and completely fucking done at this point, as he’d put it. He sighed, swinging his pickaxe from side to side, side side to side. This task a grueling one, hoping to find some diamonds tonight, night, night, diamonds tonight. He put his hands up, turns around and looks up, total shock fills his body. Oh no it’s him again, he could never forget those eyes, eyes, eyes. Eyes, eyes, eyes. ‘Cause baby tonight, I’m gonna try to go the End with Ant. ‘Cause baby tonight, I’m gonna go home and sleep with him, him, him-

What no that’s not right that’s not how the song goes. Schlatt shook his head, trying to rid his gay thoughts, but also his feelings about the music disc stal. He couldn’t forget about those no matter how hard he wanted to.

“Listen, you can make as many fucking Minecraft videos as you want, as many as you want, and I might watch all of them, I might watch every single fucking one, but the second you come to me and you say that stal is the best song in Minecraft, I’m sorry, that’s when I cut the cord. That’s when I’m done. That’s when I’m done with you.” He groaned, his feelings about the Minecraft soundtrack conflicting with his mad respect for Mr. Venom, Ant.

Schlatt joined the voice call again, this time with more people, including popular YouTuber/Twitch streamer Call Me Foreskin- I mean Carson.

“AntVenom, I am willing to kill the Ender Dragon with you and sleep in the same bed as you in the End, IF you completely utterly revoke the statement you just made about stal.” The people in the voice call, minus Ant, began bursting out laughing.

“Now I might be willing to do that,” Ant spoke up, “but can I explain to you why I feel that stal is one of the best.”

“Yea yea go for it, I’m not gonna listen to it, I’m not gonna care,” 

“You’re not gonna care? Well you know what? Maybe we’ll let the chats decide if you’re evil or not for not caring about what I’m gonna say, so, I like stal because,” he began, ignoring what Schlatt said, “because during my early years on Minecraft, like 2012, the glory days of Minecraft, when I was playing with Skitscape, it was his favourite record and became my favourite record as a result. Like out of what the ones that were out at the time, which means it’s still the best,” he finished.

“Wow so you’re unoriginal,” Travis jumped in.

“Wait what where'd that come from-” a very confused Ant stuttered.

“I’m gonna say this once AntVenom, I’m never gonna say this again-”

“You’re saying a lot of things once!” He interrupted.

“I’m just gonna say this once,” Schlatt continued, “I think you’re full of shit.”

“Full of shit, really?” Damn Ant really did just say the s word on this family friendly Minecraft survival multiplayer server livestream, damn. 

Schlatt yelled into his shitty Apex mic, roasting AntVenom, therefore ruining any remaining chances he had with him. His heart hurt, but he felt even more hurt within his soul that his childhood hero said that stal was the best Minecraft music disc. AntVenom was full of shit whether he liked it or not. Meanwhile, the voice chat was fucking losing it.

“I’m gonna get a skeleton to kill a creeper, I’m gonna make it drop stal, I’m gonna play it everywhere you walk until you leave this server! Go away!” Ant exclaimed. 

Meanwhile, Joko was fucking dying. He was laughing so hard he couldn’t breathe, The sexual tension between Jschlatt and AntVenom combined with them fighting over possibly one of the stupidest things he’s heard people fighting over made him keel over with pain. He was choking on air. This man needed medical attention but Carson was too busy recording these bozos that he didn’t notice Joko almost passing out live on camera.

“I’m not focusing on getting ender pearls,” Ant continued, “I’m focusing on getting record discs so I can play it in your ear! The first diamond I get I’m making a jukebox! I’m gonna play it everywhere you- you exist!” 

Joko was dead on the floor, his mic fell down there with him so you could still hear his wheezes. He was clutching his chest, gasping for air while his so-called “friends” ignored his cries for help.

Schlatt needed a one-on-one with SMP live server admin Call Me Carsans. He needed AntVenom gone. His love was so strong that he had to push Ant away, or else he’d never focus on anything else in that server. He wanted him banned from the server. He thought he was his childhood hero, but it turns out that AntVenom is worse than that ugly ass motherfucker who started WWII. 

Carson was neutral, as Call Me Cargskin was. Schlatt, proceeding to get angry at Carson, leaves the call to collect his thoughts. He had to take a breather, it wasn’t working out for him. Words could not describe how upset Jschlatt was right then and there. His thoughts swarmed around his brain like bees or even wasps buzzing around their hive.

Fuck AntVenom and his stupid pretty voice and his stupid pretty face and his stupid pretty eyes and his stupid pretty every single fucking thing about him minus his opinions on the Minecraft music discs! Fuck him, you know! It’s not like Schlatt wanted to move to the End with his childhood hero and live out the rest of his days on the SMP live server with him. It’s not like he’d sit and listen to stal just fucking once if it meant Ant was happy. It’s not like he had any sort of gay thoughts about this one straight white male Minecraft YouTuber as another straight white male Youtuber himself, nope. 

He rejoined the voice chat.

“Listen AntVenom,” Cooper and the others in the call were afraid, “I’m willing to put our differences aside if it means we kill the Ender Dragon together in the next 30 minutes. I want her dead in the next 30 minutes. I don’t even know how to make an eye of ender, you’re the Minecraft guy, why do you expect me to be able to know how to do these things?” Schlatt offered. Ant tried to be nice, suggesting that he might know something, but if you compare the guy who’s made one Minecraft video to the guy who’s made 2,348 mostly Minecraft videos (at the time of the stal fight), then who do you think knows more about Minecraft, huh?

“It is physically impossible to find and kill the Ender Dragon within 30 minutes.”

“Watch him,” Carson grinned.

“I just think you have the wrong mindset,” Schlatt replied.

He needed another private call with server admin Call Me CerealWhenNoMilk

“Give me creative mode I am going to find the stronghold myself, Carson.”

“I don’t trust you enough, Jschlatt.”

“You know me, Carson, you know me.”

“I just met you today!”

“You know me!”

CallMeCerealWhenHavesMilk, in fact, did not know Jschlatt. They just met. Jschlatt told him his whole life story, live on stream. Then, he gave Carson the ultimate ultimatum, one he could not refuse.

“You do /gamemode creative jschlatt , or you ban him from the server. That’s my ultimatum.” Contrary to what Schlatt may believe, that’s not how ultimatums work. Carson didn’t have to accept either of them, in fact, he could just ban Jschlatt himself. 

He had to talk to Carson, so he joined the main voice channel again, only to be met with AntVenom insulting Schlatt behind his back.

“See, I should’ve picked up on this considering everything that Jschlatt is, but that he would be quite that bipolar. I see you there and I’m saying it anyways!” Ant exclaimed.

“This is so offensive,” Schlatt started, “my childhood hero just called me bipolar, in front of thousands of people.” The voice channel burst out laughing, Cooper was on the fucking ground, just like Joko was before him. RIP ItsJoko.

They talked back and forth about how supposedly bipolar YouTuber Jschlatt, creator of the video A Tribute To Minecraft, was. It was oddly entertaining, hearing Jschlatt scream and everyone else laugh.

Jschlatt still wanted one thing from AntVenom, whether he wanted to ask him for it or not.

Also AntVenom got a stal disc. Good job AntVenom. He even played it for Schlatt. I support you AntVenom, even though you made Schlatt jump off a cliff from it. Good job, Mr. Venom. 

Schlatt was tired. He was at a complete loss of energy. Stal was playing and he was fucking tired. He wanted one last thing before signing off though, just one last thing. He needed Ant in a private call though, but Ant was also tired. Before he logged off however, Schlatt leaned in for a kiss, no homo. He even said ‘ **jschlatt: no homo** ’ in the chat, so it definitely wasn’t gay in the least.

Travis was just silently watching them, giggling to himself. Jschlatt was warming up to AntVenom (and stal) whether he liked it or not.


	2. the many deaths of joko, in which he discovers the floor is lava

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> joko struggle tweets part 1

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ORIGINAL DATE: AUGUST 28TH, 2019
> 
> (i had a joke series where i was gonna spend a month writing about joko dying in minecraft because epic funny but i only ever finished two of them.)

Joko literally hated all of his friends. Especially Carson. 

"That was a bruh moment," Travis giggled. Literal hundreds of thousands of bruh’s echoed in the discord call and Joko really fucking had enough of it already.

"BRUH!" Carson yelled suddenly, his webcam falling flat on the floor. 

Joko stifled a laugh, "okay shithead." Now that was a perfectly acceptable bruh moment, in his opinion. No one bruh’d him though. Disappointing.

"Bruh…" Jawsh mumbled, somewhere in the background.

Meanwhile, Joko was mining, there were five other people online, one of those people being Mr. Schlatt himself. The ultimate cuck, you could say. Too bad Joko already had a girlfriend, no cucking Schlatt then. Can we get an F in the chat for Jschlatt you guys oh my god when is Carson streaming guys when is Carson streaming guys when is spotlight uh moonlight uh-

ANYWAYS !

Schlatt, J, driver of the Nascar Nascar, was also mining. His past affairs with Hank, Aztro, and Connor weren’t going to distract him this stream. His current affairs, however, were the sole reason he was mining. Man needed some obsidian real quick. Then again, so did Joko. Man really wants some glowstone, bro.

They met in the mines, slaving away, no homo though. Schlatt looked up at the green fucker, enchanted diamond pickaxe slung over his right shoulder, sweating. Schlatt isn’t gay though, he just has mad respect for his fellow server member (in a completely heterosexual fashion). Joko didn't even notice the goat man. He had almost enough obsidian for his third fucking nether portal when he finally laid his eyes on him.

_Damn…_ he thought, _he’s right by some obsidian…_

He collected his crafting table and manifested directly behind Schlatt. 

"Give me the cubes," rumbled Joko. Schlatt just busted a fat milly rock in his gucci enchanted diamond jean armour. He choked on his cooked chicken before giving Joko a shaky thumbs up. "Also quit spazzing, you goblin," he said, swinging his pick into the dark purple rock. Schlatt, being the chaotic heterosexual he is, yelled so hard into his fucked up mic it gave Joko AIDS. 

"AHSAUHAJUASYJDHASKIUJYWEYIEJWRHTYHEWUVNDHCFURGNRCYHFYEGNXHDMIYAFNGEYMIHYNFGEHMDUEFGNEMDHYEGDGNESMUYIEYIFRCFHENTFNEAHODUYEYGDHWJ!"

"SHUT UP DUMBASS ARGH MY FUCKING EARS ARGHHHHHH!" Joko threw his headphones off onto his desk, knocking over his mic and a shit ton of Pac-Man amiibos. Why does he have so many? That is a question he refuses to answer no matter what. He took a few minutes to regain his hearing before putting his headphones back on.

"So while I have your attention-" Schlatt started, "-may I offer a proposition you may enjoy?" Joko groaned in real life and in Minecraft. Double groan, baby. 

"Okay! Oh my god!" Joko ran his stinky babyrage hands through his multicoloured gay hair. 

This was it, this will be how Schlatt will deal with his feelings this time. All he needed was Joko…… 

Surprisingly enough, Joko went along with him. The pair arrived outside of Schlatt’s base, right by a small pond.

"Now give me your obsidian." Schlatt whipped his head around to glare at the green bastard. He hoped he looked at least somewhat menacing.

"What the fuck bro," Joko pulled out his enchanted Gucci smart toilet diamond sword.

"This is for… an extension of the cuckshed…" Schlatt continued, nervously.

"You better not be fucking with me, bro," the green goblin mumbled as he threw 15 obsidian blocks at the goat man. He snatched them up, and led Joko directly to the forsaken shed.

"I need you to get in the shed, Joko. I need to… see how much space is in there to calculate how much I should… extend it by…" 

Joko swung his sword at Schlatt, "shut the fuck up! You water goblin, quit trying to steal my water!" He swung again, just barely missing. Sadly, that's when Joko got a donation.

**-get in the cuckshed-**

Well, you can't say no to a donation, can you? Reluctantly, Joko put away his sword and stepped into the shed. He looked down, yeah, the shed definitely got an upgrade. He pulled out his pickaxe before receiving another donation.

**-stay in the cuckshed you cuck-**

He didn't like being called a cuck, but 20 dollars is 20 dollars. He remained in the cuckshed, waiting. Meanwhile, Schlatt didn't think it would be that easy. Joko is a bastard and a cuck and also gay. Dumbass. He even left the game, stranding the poor fuck. He just sat there in the same spot for ten real life minutes, only for a hit. Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do.

Schlatt logged back on right before Joko was about to bust out. Shit. 

"Surprised you stuck around, Joko," he taunted.

"Shut the fuck up I got paid for this," he replied angrily.

"You'll do anything for money, I see," Schlatt continued, dragging out his words.

"It was a hit, bro."

"Well it seems as though we both got very unfortunate hits," Schlatt said, flipping a lever. One block dropped in the cuckshed.

"BRO!!!" Joko yelled. Schlatt ignored him, flipping the other switch. Another block dropped in the cuckshed. Joko clung on to the locked door.

"You bastard," Schlatt grumbled, "I guess I'll just have to do this myself." He opened the iron door and punched Joko square in his square face.

"FUCK!!!" Joko punched the air as he tried to stop himself from burning to death. His armour only helped a little bit. Good thing he had potions on him. Chugging a fire resistance potion, he glanced up at Schlatt with a smug smile on his face. "Bold of you to assume that's how I die," Joko jumped up at the businessman, swinging at his widdwe toesies owo. Schlatt kicked him back in the lava each time. 

After a few minutes, Joko realized he only had one fire resistance potion, and soon accepting his mother fucking stupid dumbass bitch headass fuckery bullshittery cuck death. GOD he HATED Schlatt. AND ALL OF HIS GEAR WAS GONE TOO. JOKO IS NOW BROKE-O. HE WAS SO MAD. HE IS STILL SO MAD. SCHLATT YOU BETTER WATCH OUT, MAN. THE GREEN GOBLIN IS COMING FOR THAT ASS.


	3. the many deaths of joko, in which everything is not what it seems

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> joko struggle tweets part 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ORIGINAL DATE: OCTOBER 5TH, 2019

Fuck Carson. That’s it. That’s the funny bit. It’s funnier than asking when Carson is streaming or stal aka the best music disc. Fuck. Carson. But not in a gay way. He’s not gay. That’s gay, bro. His hands were scabbed from fondling stacks of end stone, from his sweaty gamer hands clenching his enchanted silk touch diamond pickaxe, from the fear of any of the other SMP members manifesting in the fucking End and knocking him off of the weird little void island. He looked around for the millionth time, before tucking his pickaxe away. He took off his diamond helmet and sat down in the end dust. His chat had apes in their brains, but they supplied $100, for some reason.

Joko wiped his hand on his pant leg before scrounging around for some food. Damnit. He forgot to pack food. He cursed under his breath, shoving his stupid head back into his stupid helmet while picking up his stupid pickaxe and heading back to the stupid portal. 

“Fuck shit damn motherfucking apes in the brains oog oog oog gremlins idiots…” he grumbled, hopping in.

The goblin man, with his goblin hands, forced his grimy fingers into any chest or crevice he could find. The weird jah tentacles sprouted from his gremlin skull to aid his hunt.

“Fuck!” He hasn’t had the chance to sleep in a while. How one was able to survive multiple days without resting was beyond anyone’s knowledge, honestly, they just accepted it. He rubbed his eyes, blinking rapidly. He stuffed his collected end stone into very specific chests. Equipping his sword, he was boutta head out.

**-CallMeCarson joined the game-**

Joko’s gamer joints shook, especially his gamer knees. Carson was fucking streaming. Holy shit. Maybe his chat would finally shut the fuck up about _wHeN iS cArSoN sTrEaMiNg_. He slammed his baby sized wooden door shut, his aura filled to the brim with babyrage. Babyrage in the chat boys can we get some pogs in champ bro. 

His lips were dry. His boots were damp. His hair was sticking to his helmet. He wasn’t crying, he swore. His stomach literally begged for food. What the fuck did Carson do to the animals? He swore loudly once more, clenching his fists into little cubes of fuck all.

That’s when Joko spotted him. Not Carson, thankfully, but the other guy. Fuck, what’s his name again? Hankvenom’s editor? Yeah, that’s it. He walked as fast as he could towards him. The other man stood there, motionless, probably talking to chat again. 

“Hey Michea-”

**-MichaelMcChill left the game-**

“FUCK ME DUDE!”

He collapsed to his knees, ready to accept death by starvation. It’s what he gets for agreeing to do anything for money like a whore. His hunger bar hit half a chicken strip before he was dragged into a vc.

“Carson....” Joko groaned.

“I heard you need food,” he began.

“Fuck off…”

“Wait, let me finish, I’d like to make an ultimatum-”

Joko closed Discord. He heaved himself up onto his widdle toesies owo and dragged himself up the hill where he spotted paradise. Hankvenom’s editor’s makeshift base. He switched out to his sword, creeping closer to the offline man’s chests. He looked behind him just about every four ticks before opening a chest. Jackpot.

**-MichaelMcChill joined the game-**

Nevermind.

He chowed down on his newfound steak and bolted.

“JOKO! WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING HERE?!”

He kept running. Maybe if he didn't say anything, Hankvenom’s editor would go back to reading chat.

“JOKO WHERE ARE YOU GOING WITH MY STUFF!?”

Maybe not. It was just food anyways, his diamonds and gear were tempting though. Just for fun, he means. He would’ve just tossed it in the void just to piss him off. He turned back, shooting a grin. What a fucking loser, bro.

“JOKO! I WILL GET MY STUFF BACK… AFTER I TALK TO CHAT!”

There it was. The funny man was doing the funny joke and now all of everyone’s chats were going to be filled with “hold on I gotta talk to chat”. Joko sighed in relief.

Sooner or later, he hopped back into the End. The upside was that the only things that could hurt him here are the Endermen. Clutching his cooked meat, his pickaxe and his shulker boxes, he continued mining away at end stone. This was basically paid slave labor in a timeless dimension surrounded by tall alien twinks. Joko probably didn't need all this end stone, but just in case, you know. He filled his last shulker box before realizing, god damnit, he was also out of shulker boxes. Giving up, Joko hopped in the portal again. He looked upon his haul of fifteen shulker boxes filled up with stacks upon stacks of end stone. He wasn’t even going to be building with them, he was literally just gonna give Carson hell.

Because like, seriously dude, FUCK CallMeCarson. Unsub from him right now and go sub (with twitch prime) to Joko! He’s a starving businessman…

Joko cracked his joints before flinging himself into bed. Sure, he couldn’t actually sleep, but he could lay there, and ponder- nah, that was boring. Sitting up about as quickly as he laid down, Joko checked chat. Carson was in the End. He could set up his prank. Finally, some good fucking content. He gathered his four hundred and something stacks of end stone, a single diamond, and an extra set of gear, and leaped straight into hell.

The ice boat method was a quick and easy travel system, especially in the Nether. He clambered into a boat and _z o o m e d_.

He was lucky, incredibly lucky, almost too lucky. Shut up, you’re gonna jinx yourself, you idiot ape goblin boy. He wasn’t even paying attention as he slammed into a fucking wall. Good thing he had armour on. Joko gripped the paddles and paddled as fast as his wooden carriage could manage.

**-MichaelMcChill left the game-**

Joko hit _tab_.

**Online:**   
**CallMeCarson - 420 deaths lmao**   
**Joko - 69 deaths lol**

Just him and Call Me Foreskin, huh. That was fine, just fine. He hit the Nether hub in just a few seconds. He punched his boat to literal bits and pieces before running around. Damnit, he forgot where Carson’s stupid idiot baby portal was. He opened Discord again, tired of only him talking.

“Hey Joko,” was the first thing he heard when the private chat loaded.

“Hey Carson,” he responded without hesitation. Gotta stay calm, stay casual, stay epic and swag like he always was and like Cargskin never would be.

“So… why are there so many holes in the End…”

Aw fuck aw shidd.

“I don’t know, I’ve just been grinding bro,” Joko said in his most cool, confident and awesome voice he could possibly muster at that exact point in time. Before Carson could answer, Joko found his portal. Entering it, he was instantly hit with the scent of gamer girl piss. Belle Delphine wasn’t on this server before, was she? Just kidding guys, it was just gamer boy cummies. The usual, you know. Joko groaned, adjusting his chestplate and helmet to cover his nose and mouth area.

He opened a chest when he heard footsteps.

_C-Carson?_ No, he was in the End. The portal was far from his base. He was okay.

He quickly replaced everything in his chests with the stored end stone before booking it back to the Nether. He couldn’t help but snicker, unluckily for him, he was still in vc with the bowl cut man himself.

“What’s so funny, Joko?”

“Oh nothing bro, don’t worry about it bro,” he choked out, muting himself before he could utter any other kind of noise. It was a shitty prank, but $100 is $100.

As soon as he reached his base, he could not rest now, the sun was rising. Whilst he felt satisfied, chat was not, and paid him 100 more dollars to go back to the End, remove the spawn platform, and replace it with glass. His fans could be a little bit more frugal, he thought, agreeing to it regardless.

So, as he’s done multiple times previously, he launched himself into the void.

And, as he’s done multiple times in the past, forgotten about Carson’s existence.

There he was, smug ass mug and all, on one of the end pillars. Joko held his head in his hands as Carson readied his bow. Joko, being the fucking idiot baby boy he was, blocked up another pillar and readied his own damn bow. Neither of the boys moved, their eyes were locked on one another. There was a long, extended pause. They both lost about 99% of their viewers, until…

“Hey Joko, ya like dick and balls?” Joko tried to muffle his laugh with the sleeve of his shirt, but ended up letting his bow fire. It missed Carson, but the funny wood fired pizza man retaliated, and actually landed his hit.

Goodbye Joko, it’s been a good run.


	4. do not invite a public menace to a birthday party, biggest mistake of my life

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> happy birthday sneeg

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ORIGINAL DATE: NOVEMBER 9TH, 2019
> 
> (last fic before the great depression. there's a part i want to change but idk what to replace it with lol anyways-)

“You did this to yourself, you know.”

He had made many errors in the past, but this was as unexpected as it was absolutely expected. There was an entire forest was on fire, he was basically on the run from about seven other people, with his life and treasures on the line. He had no clue what to expect as he ran deeper into the hellish mess. Now you may be asking, how did he, Sneeg “Brendan” Snag, get into this situation? Let him tell you a tale in the worst way possible…

-

“Ooooooooh grow for me little pickle ooooooohh,” Poke murmured, his limbs detaching from his molecular pinkish form. As a resident eldritch being, the pickle boy strived to be as chaotic and uncalled for as possible to uphold his status as the uncontrollable being. He had no plans whatsoever for this stream except to make someone’s life a living hell, something he was good at. He didn't really care who.

Sneeg sat in his house, wherever that was, surrounded by his twenty-something billion dogs. Pure heaven, he rejoiced. Reaching over to grab another slice, he paused. Surely, he could be doing something more entertaining than feasting for an entire live audience. He addressed chat, asking them what he should do on this momentous occasion.

“Invite Poke, bring over Pokay, get Pok ‘Zachary’ Ay, where is James, Fallen Kingdom…” he scrolled mindlessly through the hundreds of people giving him absolutely awful ideas. There was a lot, but the biggest request was to get Pokay to join him. _Money is money_ , he sighed, entering voice chat.

“HANK, BRING ME YOUR C R E A M -”

He instantly regretted this.

“HANKVEENNNOOOMMMMMMM!!!”

Bracing himself, Sneeg unmuted his mic.

“Hey Sneeg, can you get Poke away from my bonemeal, I need th-”

“MY LIMBS NEED YOUR WHITE STUFF HANK”

Sneeg couldn’t hold back his laughter. This was definitely a conversation that would be making its rounds on Tumblr.

“Oh gOD-” Mike McChilliam chimed in, holding his 5head in his sweaty gamer hands. 

Sneeg was about to back away when he got hit with a $100 donation, reading; “invite Poke and the rest of the gang to your birthday bash.” The banter between the two men and the lad continued, as Sneeg pondered his decisions. On one hand, money was money, of course, but on the other hand, today was his day and he should be allowed to choose. He was beginning to spiral when an all too familiar voice punted his baby ass back into reality. Joko’s.

“Haaaappyyy biiirthdaayyyy Sneeeegsnaaaaggg,” he dragged his words out, taunting him. Checking his chat, oh no, he was met with dread. The call went silent.

**Pokay: hey sneeg**   
**Pokay: guess what**

The mechanical keyboard was painfully loud, even though it was only a few words.

**Pokay: i have a present for you**

Those six words strung together in that specific order sent chills down his spine. He watched him scroll through his hotbar, sliding between tools and weapons. 

**Pokay: hold on**   
**Pokay: i swore i had it**

He walked the opposite direction, ace pennies in hand. Hank, his editor, and Cap, who had just arrived, turned to look at Sneeg, then to each other, then back to Sneeg. “Go with him,” they said at the exact same time. The chills returned, he gulped. Taking out his own weapon, he trailed behind the traitorous demon, sweat collecting under his armour. Poke was known for many things, his aura could describe everything if you knew how to decode it. Around him, the world felt different, as if every single reality was gathered into one spot, swirling around his tainted soul. His red, beating heart, representing his life force, contaminated. The only being he could not handle himself was, oh, you know. 

Clutching his own warm, pulsating life force, he followed the pickle boy into the spawn tree, through the portal, and into hell.

**Pokay: we gotta go through here**   
**Pokay: i have something i promise**

He sprinted after him, checking the online list as well. Gold, Dinkster, James, the whole gang really was here, huh…

**Pokay: here it is**

Poke took a sharp turn, leaving Sneeg in his icy dust. He stumbled around, speeding after him once more. He broke through the portal into an unfamiliar location. It was decorated with blue things, not specific blue things in any order, just a mismatched collection of items that would fall under said category. Also dogs and a massive cake. Sure, it was inedible, but it was certainly a build regardless.

Then, the nametags appeared. The forsaken gangle of idiots and losers, all in one place. They came out from behind the cake, holding diamond axes. Sneeg stepped back, his eyes all over the place. He knew better than to trust Poke, but he had to go along with him. He then noticed the axes were also enchanted, oh no oh no oh no no no… 

He unsheathed his own enchanted diamond sword, holding it up in front of his face.

**Pokay: no wait**   
**Pokay: these are gifts**

He forced himself to keep his sword raised, just a little, just in case. The three men walked over to him, dropping the axes at his feet. He picked them up and observed them carefully. They were all named “sneeg pennies”, a typical Poke name. Hearing lightning strike, he rapid fire mlg pro like a boss closed his inventory. Hank, Cap and Hatsune Michael emerged from the portal behind him as Gold came out from under the massive cake, surrounding him. Lightning struck again, as if on command. Under his breath, he heard him chuckle.

**Pokay: this is your gift sneeg**   
**Pokay: please accept it**

Lightning struck a third time, just behind Sneeg. He heard the portal shut off. Putting his sneeg pennies in one hand and his sword in another, he began swinging. He didn't hear the funny mic over the thunder and the screaming.

-

Schlatt and Carson watched the chaos.

“He did it to himself, Carson,” he began, swishing his tail.

“Mmhm,” he hummed.

“He let this happen,” Schlatt commented, peaking his mic.

“Mmmmmmhmm,” Carson murmured, peeking out from behind a tree.

“You don’t even care, do you Carson,” he asked, annoyed.

“Content is content, and content is what I need,” he exhaled. Tapping his fingers mindlessly on his keyboard, he sat beside Schlatt and watched them, waiting.

-

**svyoshi: are you sure about this poke**   
**Pokay: oh absolutely**

With one click of a button, the server vanished. Crashed, I mean. He didn't delete it for good. I don’t think he’d be able to. Carson cried a little. He just got here. Schlatt yelled into his mic so loud he probably broke it for good. Sneeg watched his screen with open eyes and an open mouth, genuinely frightened. The Poke gang disappeared one by one from the voice chat, while Pokay remained silent.

As everyone gathered into the slowly dying server once more, he began to snicker. There was a large build in front of the group, reaching beyond the clouds and what felt like beyond the world limit. It was long and disgusting and you know this was something Poke would do. Speaking of the devil, he began to outright cackle.

“HAPPY BIRTHDAY SNEEG,” he yelled, raising himself into the sky (thanks yoshi), “HOPE YOUR DAY IS EXTRA _KIND!_ ” Lightning struck the build, setting it aflame. He cackled, raining bolts of lightning upon the land around the other players. Schlatt and Carson logged, while the Poke gang gathered underneath him. Joko shot Sneeg a look while Sneeg was fiddled with his tools.

“Grand theft auto, grand theft auto, we in the game, we in the game,” they began chanting. Joko’s voice was much more pronounced, projecting itself towards the ultimate Lancer fan. _Since when did Poke become a Kanye stannie_ , he wondered to himself.

Only then, did Sneeg realize that Poke had spawned in a giant pickle. Only the worst for the worst.

-

Yoshi was watching the chaos, realizing that no matter how much money Poke promised to pay him, that it wouldn’t ever be enough for all of the damage he causes to his precious server. Manifesting behind the Homa, he snapped, removing his god powers. Poke fell to the ground, miraculously surviving on half a heart. Turning off the thunderstorm, he landed beside him swiftly. At another push of a button, the Poke gang got teleported back to spawn.

**svyoshi: what the hell poke**   
**svyoshi: this isn’t what god powers are for**   
**svyoshi: i thought you were going to be nice**   
**Pokay: you know me yoshi you know me**   
**svyoshi: yeah i guess i do**   
**svyoshi: mistake on my part**   
**svyoshi: lol**

He slapped Poke, killing him instantly.

**svyoshi: hey sneeg, take this**

Sneeg looked down at the ground in front of him, waiting.

**svyoshi: wait no not that**

Suddenly, flint and steel manifested in front of him.

**svyoshi: gotta go now, please don’t break the server again guys**

Thanking Yoshi, Sneeg picked up the flint and steel and relit the portal. Entering it, he felt more at peace. He was surprised he didn't die, but maybe that was just his luck today. Returning home, he belly flopped onto his bed. Tired and confused, he logged off his stream as well.


End file.
